iPhone App Reviews

New Years Resolutions, aka the New Years Resolution Generator, wants to be a hilarious party joke but the reality is that it’s just kind of weird. Pretty much all you do with this thing is shake it to get a random “resolution”, and it might be entertaining if the resolutions were funny… or at least made a tiny bit of sense.

Here’s a quick sampling of the resolutions I get from five quick shakes of the iPhone:

I resolve to…

• Seldom be tapdancing.
• Seldom be tastelessly stealing.
• Stop jazzercising.
• Stop blowing snot bubbles.
• Stop mouth-breathing too irritably.

Naturally I like the snot bubble joke, but don’t the rest of these one-liners sound like they could have been written by your dead grandmother?

Well, the jokes may suck the big the one but at least Left Brain Games was kind enough to build in some nice scenery to serve as the backdrop for this comedy trainwreck. Take away the ridiculously bad “resolutions” and you’ve got yourself a pretty decent 3D snowglobe that would definitely rival any of the free ones I reviewed in my Christmas Snowglobe Roundup. Unfortunately, the resolutions are a permanent fixture in this app! Awwwww dammit.

"STOP, YOU'RE KILLING ME"

Looking for something to blow at midnight on New Year’s Eve? Yeah I know… that almost sounds like a really filthy proposition, but I’m talking about party favors here! Uh, maybe that’s also a bad choice of words… let’s call New Year’s Blowout Horn! what it is: a noisemaker. It also displays a 2009 countdown timer but, dirty jokes aside, this app is all about blowing.

Hold your iPhone so that the bottom is facing your mouth and blow into it, and the little noisemaker on the right of the screen will extend just like the real thing and it makes an equally annoying sound! The iPhone’s tiny little speaker isn’t even close to being loud enough to be heard at a bar or an actual New Year’s Eve party, but I’ll give IntuApps an A for effort. And who knows… if you blow your iPhone horn in front of someone who’s wasted enough to be impressed you might even get lucky! Of course, that horny drunk would have to be about two sips from passing out, but you never know.

Hey baby, wanna blow my horn?

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For 99 cents, Dress Up gives you the potential to coordinate your wardrobe to look your absolute best, whether its going to your job at GameStop or looking to impress your date at Outback Streakhouse!

So this app is interesting as it could really work.  However, in order for the program to reach its zenith, you are going to have to invest some SERIOUS time into snapping photos of yourself in all your tops and bottoms (including those stylish Raiders sweatpants you own).  The way the program works  is simple, it gives you an outline of a body (think CSI here) and you match your photo to the pose.  Then it divides the picture into your head (presumably for hats, eye patches and Hulkster bandannas) your top, and bottom.  Sounds silly, but it does work.

But the overall problem I see is that you need someone to take these pictures of you and unless you have a whipped husband or a friend as equally vain as yourself, then this program may not be for you.  Plus, is it truly that hard to hold a shirt over a pair of pants?  I think this app is great idea, but in the long run just doesn’t seem worth the effort.

The iTunes App Store is overflowing with free mistletoe apps and Bottle Rocket’s version is as good as any. It tilts as you move your iPhone and it also features smooch and smack counters so you can keep track of your success rate as you make your rounds at the Christmas party.

Personally I have no use for the smooch counter because I always get smacked when I try to con girls into making out with me, but hopefully you’re not that pathetic!

The 5 smooches are from my dog

Didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas? Angry at Santa Claus for letting you down? Beat the hell out of him in Whack It: Santa!

MadInSweden has three versions of their Whack It game and the other two are Frogs and For Kids. The only one I’ve played is Santa, but I’m assuming they’re all the same but with different themes… tap the Santas/Frogs/Jungle Animals as they peek out of holes, just like the whack-a-mole game we all know and hate. I mean love.

If you like tapping stuff really fast, this game is for you. The difficulty ramps up pretty fast so be ready for your fingers to take a pounding, and you also need to keep an eye out for Bad Santa who shouldn’t be touched.

I can’t say that I’d pay $1.99 for this app, but the Whack It: Frogs game is only $.99 so if price is an issue maybe you’d be better off trying that one instead. Plus you won’t feel so dumb playing it on December 26th.