iPhone App Reviews

WTF: ManWax

Michael (Admin) | Sep 2, 2009 Games, WTF?!

User rating: (5 votes, average: 2.60 out of 5)

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This guy isn't crying because the wax hurts, he's crying because this app is so incredibly dumb!

A direct quote from RustyCroc’s app review request:

“OUR APP MIGHT SUCK BALLS LOL BUT CHECK IT OUT AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.  I AM ONLY 17 YEARS OLD AND IT WAS MY FIRST APP, I AM TRYING TO PAY FOR COLLEGE.”

Love the CAPS LOCK, love the upfront admission that the app sucks balls (it does), and I don’t quite buy the “trying to pay for college” bit (heard that one before) but hey I suppose it never hurts to try.

With ManWax you’re supposed to tap the wax applicator, rub your finger on the fat hairy guy lying on the table, and then select the paper thingy to strip the wax off. During the process you’ll hear recordings of a guy making all kinds of noises that range from moaning to screaming “oww my nips” to outright sobbing.

It’s mildly amusing for all of 5 seconds… if you’re not Asian. If you are Asian then you’ll probably find ManWax to be grossly offensive for the inclusion of a thick-accented Asian “woman” voicing the role of the waxer as she says things like “ooohh you so hairy”. I guess it could actually be a chick, but my hunch is that it’s probably a white guy doing the voice which makes it even more distasteful.

Normally I’d just laugh at an app this dumb, but because of the bad example set by the racial stereotyping all I can really do here is shake my head. Tsk tsk, RustyCroc. If you’re really trying to pay for college, get a job at Radio Shack.

iTunes Link – Not!
Version 1.0
Reviewed on iPhone 3G OS3.0.1

Tags: $.99, useless

WTF: Dude Deluxe

Michael (Admin) | Sep 2, 2009 Entertainment, WTF?!

User rating: (3 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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Dude! Duuuuuude! Duuuude.

That’s basically all this app does… it says DUDE, over and over and over again. It says Dude like you just spilled a beer, it says Dude like you just nailed your best friend’s girlfriend, it says Dude like you just violated several sacred Man Laws all at once. It says Dude in so many ways you’ll almost feel stupid for saying it in real life!

It’s a painfully stupid app, but at least I gotta give credit to The App Company for going the distance and building in all kinds of Dude-related functionality… you can email a Dude MP3 file to a fellow dude, there are Dude Alarm and “Bomb” functions, and you can even use a Dude recording as a ringtone! I did the ringtone and it totally worked so now whenever my dad calls, my iPhone starts yelling Dude! Dude! Dude! Priceless.

Thankfully there’s a free version of Dude so you don’t have to shell out any cash go Dude-crazy, but if you want the ringtone and some of the other fancy features you’ll need to go Deluxe.

iTunes Link – Dude Deluxe
Version 1.0
Reviewed on iPhone 3G OS3.0.1

Tags: $.99, funny, useless

Q&F: Knock on Wood

Michael (Admin) | Jul 21, 2009 Entertainment, Quick & Free

User rating: (3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Knock on glass, I mean wood

If you’re ridiculously superstitious you might actually like this “app”. Notice that I put “app” in quotations… it’s only an iPhone app in the sense that you can download it from the iTunes App Store and put it on your iPhone! Oh yeah, and it was also one of the first apps available when it was released nearly a year ago on July 27th, 2008.

When you launch Knock on Wood, you see a photo of a piece of wood. Tap the wood and you get a nice knocking sound, kind of like you just knocked on wood in order to double-jinx whatever stupid jinxy thing you just said, ie: “gee I hope I don’t get mowed down by a bus today.”

The only reason I’m writing about this hilariously stupid “app” is that a newspaper reporter asked me if I could help her round up some opinions on this and several other oddball App Store entries. If you’re game, please try it out and post your thoughts in the comment box! Who knows, you might even get quoted in the article. Come on you fame whores, you know you want to!

iTunes Link
Version 1.0
Reviewed on: iPhone 3G

Tags: free, useless

Singing Cat

Michael (Admin) | Jan 8, 2009 Entertainment

User rating: (5 votes, average: 2.40 out of 5)

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I installed Singing Cat thinking it would be the dumbest iPhone app on the planet, and it definitely qualifies as dumb… but it’s also kind of funny! I guess it would fall into that class of apps that are basically a cheap laugh, then after about five minutes it gets old and you forget about it. Think Wooo Button and Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

Singing Cat is basically a picture of some dude’s cat that moves his mouth to sounds picked up by the iPhone’s mic. The thing about this app that surprises me is the quality of the mouth animation… it’s way better than I was expecting! Honestly, I thought it would be like a ventriloquist’s doll where the mouth moves up and down in a single piece, but I can tell that Gigabyte Solutions Ltd. put some effort into making the cat’s mouth move as smoothly as they could. The cat even blinks at you which is a nice touch.

For most people, Singing Cat will have a pretty short shelf life, but in the right hands I think it could be set up as a prop in some mildly amusing pranks and maybe even diffuse a hostile situation. Imagine you’re screaming your guts out at someone and they hold this app in front of your face while you’re yelling… the cat will be mimicking your every word and, unless you’re on a truly murderous rampage, you just might break down and laugh.

Worth a buck? Ehhh… to some, sure. Cat fanatics, especially those who have a cat like the one in this app, will probably love it to death. Dog people like myself, not so much, but even so it’s still pretty funny.

If cats annoy you, Gigabyte Solutions also sells this app in other varieties: dog, monkey, camel, orangutan, and snowman.

I normally post a full gallery of app screenshots below, but this is pretty much all there is!

OMG!! What the hell happened to my teeth??!!

Tags: $.99, funny, useless

Q&F: Christmas Snowglobe Roundup

Michael (Admin) | Dec 13, 2008 Entertainment, Quick & Free

User rating: (2 votes, average: 4.50 out of 5)

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All snow globes, both real and virtual, are inherently useless. But Richard Baker’s TUI SnowGlobe isn’t just useless… it’s also strange and kind of funny. Unlike most snowglobes there’s no music to speak of, but there are a total of six oddball “scenes” (plus the obligatory developer promo) to be revealed by shaking your iPhone.

My personal favorite? The lucha libre wrestling dog!

Give it a try knowing that you’ll probably delete it within five minutes. ¡Feliz Navidad!

Bizarre originality saves this snowglobe from being a TOTAL waste of time

Snow Globe and eCards aspires to be exactly that: a snow globe that also sends eCards. The snow globe part of the app works well enough even though it looks more like a title screen than a functional part of the app. As for the eCards… ehhhh… it’s pretty average and only works if you don’t use any apostrophes.

Putting apostrophes in your eCard message will result in a not-so-Christmasy MySQL error, so as long as you keep that in mind you’ll be ok. The eCard itself will send home computer users to the maal4.nl website and anyone who receives it on their iPhone will have to install the app in order to see it.

If you really want to send Christmas cards from your iPhone, blow $2 on Christmas C@rds. If you want a snow globe, this app probably won’t impress you.

I'll say it again: NO APOSTROPHES! Unless you like getting pissed off.

The iXmas Snow Globe is probably the best you’re gonna do in this bunch. It’s a nice town square Christmas scene, and tilting your iPhone left or right will rotate you around the square’s gigantic Christmas tree. Meanwhile, a nice holiday-sounding piano score mixes with ambient crowd noise and a quick shake will jingle some bells and kick up more snowfall.

The Embassy Interactive Inc. did a nice job on this thing so, if you’re just looking to set a Christmasy mood or impress your loser friends who spent money on real snow globes, this should do the trick.

Embassy has also released several versions of their Tangram puzzle app and the Christmas apps iXmas Tree and Holiday Mistletoe.

Hey where are all the homeless people

Tags: Christmas, free, useless

You Shake iLaugh

Michael (Admin) | Dec 2, 2008 Entertainment

User rating: (2 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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You Shake iLaugh… well, I guess you know what this app does already! Shake it and an illustrated mouth will either laugh at you or with you, depending on how you choose to see it.

According to the iTunes App Store description, “the harder you shake it the harder it will laugh, until it reaches an uncontrollable eye-watering hysterical laugh!” Now I’m not calling Roman Reyhani a liar, but the distance between a mild chuckle and “eye-watering” laughter is pretty short, and I shook the crap out of my iPhone! The most I heard was some good, robust laughter but I wouldn’t rate it anywhere near “hysterical”.

You can choose between a laughing man or a laughing woman and both are kind of funny to listen to, but the truth is this app feels like a slightly fancier version of Wooo Button. The big difference is that Wooo Button is free and You Shake iLaugh costs a buck.

Laughter really can be contagious and if you’re always feeling like you need to choke the shit out of someone then maybe this app could serve as some cheap therapy. Otherwise, you might want to temper your expectations here and only spend the buck if you’re really in need of a quick chuckle. It’s definitely worth an actual laugh or two, but prepare for it to be short-lived.

Tags: $.99, funny, good for kids, useless

Q&F: Pet Dog

Michael (Admin) | Nov 13, 2008 Games, Quick & Free

User rating: (1 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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Pet Dog is an awesome game… FOR ME TO POOP ON!!

Seriously, this ad-supported app is so dumb it’s funny. You’re supposed to tap the two paw pads on the screen to make the dog walk. Tap faster and the dog goes faster. Once you get going, you don’t even need to tap both paws… tapping one works just fine. And that’s it! Just walk the dog. Forever.

As of today, Pet Dog is #16 in the App Store’s (Free) Top 25 list. Congratulations to Chillingo on making an app that’s so bad people are apparently downloading it just to bask in its stupidity.

My favorite user review: “This program made me vomit” by boogalooshrimp… and that was one of the GOOD comments!

If you break my high score of 20,000+ you've got major problems! Get a life!

Tags: free, useless

Lightsaber Unleashed

Michael (Admin) | Sep 29, 2008 Entertainment

User rating: (4 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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I never got a chance to play with Ryan Youngman’s iSaber before George Lucas squashed his little Star Wars iPhone tribute. It sucks that they pushed him out of the App Store, but at least they were kind enough to put together a worthy replacement.

TheMacBox’s version of Lightsaber Unleashed is exactly what you’d expect it to be, plus a few “brand” upgrades that were no doubt ordered by George’s marketing goons.

Open the app and tap the lightsaber, you get the trademark Jedi weapon with the accelerometer-driven humming and clashing noises. Tap a button for some dramatic Star Wars music to set the mood for your iPhone battle, and tap another button to go fullscreen. It’s all nice and well-done, and except for the music it’s probably identical to what iSaber was.

The upgrades come in the form of tie-ins with LucasArts’ “The Force Unleashed” game that’s just been released on pretty much every game platform in existence, iPhone included (duh!). Tapping the character icon will give you a choice of dueling as any one of these Force Unleashed characters: Darth Vader, General Rahm Kota, The Apprentice, Shaak Ti, and Maris Brood. Unfortunately The Apprentice is some Jedi guy, not Donald Trump.

I confess that I don’t know jack about The Force Unleashed so I’m assuming that, along with Vader, The Apprentice and Brood are also bad guys because all of their lightsabers are red. Shaak Ti’s is blue and Kota’s is green, so… good guys get the pretty colors? Anyway, on the choose-your-character screen you can also hit info buttons that give you both a bio and a picture of the character. Nice touches, but make no mistake… it’s all in the name of marketing.

If you have this app and haven’t tapped around the stars surrounding the lightsaber yet, give it a try and you’ll get a little surprise – there are two stars in particular that you want to touch. Whee!! It’s an Easter Egg. Happy hunting.

Naturally LucasArts is really, really hoping this free lightsaber will make you want to buy the iPhone version of The Force Unleashed for $9.99 (they try to sell it to you when you open the app) but even despite the marketing ploy Lightsaber Unleashed is cool and should satisfy hardcore Star Wars Geeks everywhere.

Tags: free, useless

Virtual Zippo® Lighter

Michael (Admin) | Sep 25, 2008 Lifestyle

User rating: (7 votes, average: 4.14 out of 5)

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I just got done bitching about an app called Lighter because the developer is planning to charge for it after the free trial is over. It doesn’t look like Moderati is planning to charge for the Virtual Zippo Lighter… my guess is that Zippo already paid them plenty to engineer this exercise in brand marketing… so I’ll be far kinder here.

Simply put, Virtual Zippo Lighter totally lives up to its name. I’m not saying this just because it’s free forever, I’m saying it because it’s 100% true. You open the Zippo by shaking your iPhone or swiping in an upward direction on the screen. Sorry, a quick tap doesn’t work here. Why? Because it doesn’t work in real life!

Once the Zippo is open, a swipe downward on the wheel will turn it to ignite the flame. The flame, which is completely true to an actual flame from this type of lighter, even responds to accelerometer movements as you tilt your iPhone this way and that. Shake or swipe right/down to close the lighter and admire the steel-cased handiwork Zippo is famous for.

Not only is this an awesome lighter simulation from top to bottom, even including the way a Zippo sounds, Moderati also gives you no less than 20 different Zippo models to choose from by swiping through the selections across the bottom of the Customize screen. Plenty of different styles are represented, ranging from basic chrome for people who think they’re classy to “anarchy” for weird emo types to bling and guitars for the rockstars of the world.

If you want a lighter for your iPhone and a crappy Bic won’t cut it, get this Virtual Zippo. It’s a no-brainer. And if you’re close enough to the stage you might even get a shoutout from the band.

Tags: free, strictly visual, useless

Lighter

Michael (Admin) | Sep 25, 2008 Utilities

User rating: (3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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I’m feeling kind of ornery today, so I’m gonna rip on an application just for existing. Normally I wouldn’t do this to a free app, but according to Chillingo Ltd’s description for Lighter, the free deal is a “special introductory offer – free for 1st week!”

So how much are they going to be charging? 99 cents? Two bucks? Three? Man, I really hope it’s not three.

By my count, there are at least ELEVEN lighter apps out there. Many are free and the others are priced at a semi-reasonable $.99 for those who like to flush good money down the toilet. Any “lighter app” that charges more than that should be booted from the App Store on grounds of attempted price gouging and insulting the intelligence of iPhone users.

Lighter is, itself, an app that isn’t bad for lighter junkies. It offers three types of lighters: Bic, Zippo, and the fancy kind you “slide” open to ignite. The flame animations are nice, except for the Zippo flame which looks nothing like an actual Zippo flame. What, you think I’m being overly picky? It’s my right… nay, it’s my duty… to be picky here. Remember, this app will eventually cost money! Apps that are indefinitely free get a pass. Apps that are “free for 1st week” do not.

Chillingo admits that there are problems with Lighter crashing and they’re planning to fix this with an update, but even after that happens I still say it’s a tragic waste of money to pay for this kind of thing.

If you insist on having a lighter on your iPhone, please do the smart thing and get Lighter while it’s free or get some other free one – there are plenty out there, like this kickass Virtual Zippo.

Let’s challenge developers to spend their time developing apps that are actually unique rather than encouraging them to play copycat. The iTunes App Store is cluttered enough as it is.

(stepping down from my soap box now)

Tags: $.99, free, strictly visual, trial period, useless

Pull My Finger

Michael (Admin) | Sep 8, 2008 Entertainment

User rating: (1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Looks like I’m a few days late getting on this bandwagon, but I am absolutely OUTRAGED that Apple would reject this application!

If you believe Pull My Finger should be available in the App Store (and that Apple needs to get a sense of humor) please send your impassioned plea to sjobs@apple.com.

Tags: funny, rejected, useless

Hee Button

Michael (Admin) | Aug 26, 2008 Entertainment

User rating: (2 votes, average: 1.00 out of 5)

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Hee Button’s description in the App Store is written in English (barely), so I installed it. According to ObjectGraph LLC, Hee Button is “from a famous Japanese TV show!”

And what, pray tell, are you supposed to do with this wacky Japanese Wooo Button equivalent?

“Push the button when you have a good trivia!”

Yeahhh ok then. Push the button and a creepy monotone voice says something that sounds remotely like ”Hee.” It has a counter that goes up with every Hee and it maxes out at 20.

Am I really going to start annoying people with this thing when I “have a good trivia”? Only if they’re Japanese – everyone else will just think I’ve lost my mind.

Tags: free, useless